Once you lose an habit, it's so difficult to bring it back. I had the habit of writing in these pages once a week or twice a month, at times more, and since the previous blog was sort of locked (available but outside of the reach of the searches), I lost the habit of writing on it. Nowadays I come here and I feel lost, not knowing what to write or why would I bother.
It's sad that whatever the reasons that person had to have me locked, they affected me. I tried to have the new website as fast as I could, but nothing but problems were delaying me. In the end, those problems were a weight that felt heavy even when I finally completed the new website and I was free to write on it.
I don't know what to write here anymore. No, my brain hasn't suddenly emptied of all ideas, stories, opinions. It's only that I'm still in "why bother" state. I barely check with people on social media and that only makes my writing even more superficial. If I want to write for myself, I can just put pen on paper and write on it. Indeed, that's what I'm doing since the end of September. Most of what happens in my head is now scribbled in several notebooks, notebooks that won't be read but by me. And I'm okay with that.
That is a new habit I developed while I felt that I no longer had things to say here, in public. I write almost daily in those notebooks. I write ideas for short stories, ideas that never see the light. I'm trying to learn French. But all of this stays in the dark, no one knows, it's like if it didn't exist.
This is not a good bye, though. It's just a "I need to find my way back". Because writing is important to me, and saying things in the open is also important. In the times of social media, I've curled into my shell. Protecting myself of something? Meanwhile I write things that no one will ever know, I stamp pages for myself only, another lonely hobby. I hide from an unknown, or perhaps known, enemy. It's the enemy that tells me "your words don't matter, you're not saying anything new, the world doesn't need yet another iteration on this topic". I've believed it and now I live in the shadows, wanting to go to the light but not daring, the light can be blinding.
The purpose of this post was simply to say out loud what is trying to get out for months. It's a voice that doesn't want to hide, I've never hidden. But now, everything has changed, I'm more introvert, reserved than ever and something inside me is screaming "enough of this!"
That scream lasts one second, that's one second when I can rise over my defenses, escape from the water that drowns me. In a word, during that second, I can breathe. And when I breathe, I can write again.Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 21/03/2018 at 12:00:00 - 1 Comments
I've created a new page within this blog. It's called Short Tales
and it houses all of my old short tales published in the older blog, plus a new one, Kindness
(originally written in Spanish and translated to English). Both pages, the main one (Home) and the tales (Short Tales) are accessible from the top menu. Technically, they're considered different blogs, so I'll make announces here if I don't forget.
Enjoy!Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 02/02/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments
Plans and Profiles
I was writing a list of ideas, things to write in this blog, while I was in the (eventful) process of coding the whole platform. Nowadays I'm not sure if I want to bring those topics up. It feels like their time ran away despite I haven't written about them.
One of them was the always present topic of profiles in SL, from the perspective of a chat that was held nearly three years ago in Basilique (my, time flies!) There were three main questions. What impressions do you get? Do you judge? Do you care?
I'll begin by saying that I started filling my own profile in ways that nowadays make me smirk. I tried to sound unique and I ended up copying a lot of cliches from others' profiles. Not so bad for consistency. With time, I filled it with the main store and contact details, and left some space for personal details in a few of my picks, not caring if I sounded unique or not. I decided against defining myself, that is the only rule in my profile.
I see so many profiles, no, SO MANY profiles, in caps, full of people saying that they're basically the best person you'll ever find in earth. Honestly, I prefer if you let me decide how I feel you are. Specially because all the backstabbing creatures that I've found in SL had in their profiles that caring, honesty, and loyalty were their things. I've come to distrust profiles, unless they are humorous. Those I take more seriously.
What impressions do I get? That we're the worst judges of ourselves. We don't have the needed self criticism to either be sincere and say that we're people you shouldn't trust, or simply not say a thing at all. Instead, most profiles are full of caring, loyal, honest... you name it... people. I have a simple question then. If everybody is so wonderful, where does all the drama in SL come from?
And oh, the drama. You say "no drama" in your profile, in any form? I don't believe you. I know you will create
drama. I will try to stay away from you and save my jokes. Drama is a part of our lives, in case you didn't know, so your "no drama" claim only makes you suspicious of being the center of it.
Do I judge people by their profiles? Of course I do. I'm human, I judge. I will not believe anyone that says that they don't judge. We all judge. But that doesn't mean that I won't interact with you. In the end, your profile is the image you see of yourself, but I'm interested in the picture that I can get on my own. So even though I know it's risky when someone believing to be caring, loyal, and honest approaches me, I'll interact. At times I've been wrong, and met wonderful people in the way.
Do I care? Depends. If you say you share logs because entitled, bad reading skills or your mom needs them, I know I can't trust you, so I will take care of not telling you anything private. We will never be friends. If you say you'll harass me if I say something to your family
, well, it's good to know. I don't use the mute button often, but I won't mind to use it once your babbling stops to amuse me. If you say you're a Dom, I will smile and let you live in your bubble of innocence. And so on. So yes, I care, even if only because your profile is actually telling me a lot
about yourself. Probably not what you expected, but a lot anyway.
And you, what do you think? What impressions do you get? Do you judge? Do you care? Feel free to share, and have a great day :-)Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 18/01/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments
Introspection and silence
It was mid-May of the last year when I started a bullet journal. I grabbed an empty notebook I had at home, read the directions from the official website
, and went with it. The first advice came from Zee, and it was wise advice: do not look for bullet journal in Pinterest or in Instagram.
I saw why, quickly. There's a huge community highly skilled at the artistic, and they regularly post pictures of their journals. They're often masterpieces but they're also discouraging for the newbie that just heard "this is a system that will help you organize your life".
My goodness, and all the pretty is mandatory?
That was one of the first questions I asked. The answer was obvious: the pretty isn't mandatory and indeed, with few exceptions in a few pages, I'm quite minimalist. I just write the day, what needs to be done, and I'm done with it. I spend some time planning because events and scripts aren't as easy to plan as laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. I have to make a plan of meshes to do, scripts to use/code, time for UVs, for LODs, for texturing and baking textures, for packaging... if it's a script, there's also documentation to write, which often needs of its own companion mesh release to have a suitable sample object to show how to work with it. All this is just to say that my planning isn't as immediate as much of what I've seen. It doesn't mean that my planning is better or worse, just that my life is different than the lives of those who show their bullet journal to the community, and so I plan it differently.
I confess, though, that I like the pretty
. The colors, the washi tape, the stamps, the stickers... There's a whole world I didn't know of, and while I may not be too artistic myself, I've found a new hobby in watching YouTube videos of people showing how they prepare the planning pages of their journals. It's like watching porn, but in stationery version and with better dialogue. If you like stationery as much as I do, you know what I mean.
I will confess more and I'll say that I use stamps in my weekly pages (the weekly pages aren't part of the original system but they help me) and from time to time, I draw. Stationery. You have to understand me.
The first months I read a lot of their blogs, and you can see that not only they make things pretty, they also follow many routines to help them stay organized. They also follow other routines, more spiritual ones, let's say. One that caught my attention was the morning pages. The morning pages are explained in a book that I do not recommend if you're allergic to new age and spiritualism (I am, but I can read one from time to time). This book is called The Artist's Way and, as I expected, it was a mix of things that make sense with downright pseudoscience in a neat package that many will buy in hopes that it will make an artist of them.
Then why did I read it? And more importantly, why do I write morning pages since now three months ago?
My curiosity is huge. I read about things that interest me, and about things that I know beforehand I don't agree with, but I want to see their point of view. This keeps me focused in the idea that we live in a huge world where there are people with ideas different to mine and I shouldn't be closed to at least listen, whether I believe in it or not. I found some interesting passages in the book, and I found a lot of nonsense. I take the good with me and ignore the rest. And I can tell you, the book didn't make a "recovered artist" from me. I don't think I haven't changed at all in these last three months.
Except for a little detail.
Since I write the morning pages, I feel that I do a lot of introspection and, at the same time, that I don't need to talk as much as before. It's been noticed at home that I don't talk as much, and I really don't feel like it after I've written those pages.
Then again, why do I write them?
There's something in writing them that relaxes me. Problems that need my attention appear on the pages. Possible solutions, ideas, appear on the pages. Ideas for writing. Ideas to solve scripts. But I don't know why, I'm even more quiet since I write them.
Maybe now that I've noticed and said it loud voice, the problem will get to an end. I wasn't even sure of writing this. But here it is.
In other news, I did NaNoWriMo this year again, and I swear I'm going to kill that story. I tried rewriting the story I wrote the last year from a different perspective, different situations, a different conflict... it was a whole different story except for the characters and the end. Well, even though this year's story is better plotted (it makes more sense, there are no major gaps that make me shake my head, etc.) ... I still don't like it!
It's my baby and I don't like it. So much could be said out of this.
The good thing is that I've learned a little more about the craft and it's been quite fun to share the journey with Zee. The bad thing is that I'm not sure if I'll be able to write a story that I don't end up hating. At least the morning pages keep me in the habit of writing daily. Mostly uninteresting events, but I show up and write. I'm now planning to write a story a week for the next year and so far I've only gotten an outline. I'm fifty-one outlines from my goal. Help.
This is not by far everything that goes in my head lately, but they're probably the topics I've mentioned the most.
Oh and in other news! SL met RL! I met with the lovely Froukje Hoorenbeek in Valencia, and I hope she had as much of a great time as I did. It's the first time I meet with someone from SL, and I hope it won't be the last one.
That's it for now. Have a great day and share your thoughts if you like :-)Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 10/12/2017 at 19:00:00 - 0 Comments
Denial (A set of poses with a story behind)
The Trunk Show is an event devoted to weddings, and I'm participating in this round. They suggested to make Halloween related items and I had one idea in mind since long time ago.
When Ansel and I say good night, usually I close first. That wasn't the case in one occasion nearly three years ago, and what I saw made me observe for a while before I closed. I was alone in bed, holding no one. I changed the pose, to continue holding no one. I thought "this could make for a pose set called Denial". I never made that pose set.
I thought of making cute couple poses and then split them, as if each one of them were holding a ghost. Surely fitting for a Halloween theme. So first things first, I made the five couple poses in Blender. I'm showing three of them.
I uploaded the poses normally, but instead of making couple pose balls, I made two separate sets. One called Denial (Her)
, where she still can't believe that her husband is gone, and the other one called Denial (Him)
, where he still can't believe she's gone. The result, in the right setting, turns out both sad, dark and artistic. Exactly what I wanted:
The moral of the story is, pay attention to every little detail and thought, no matter how silly it looks like. Write it down if needed. You never know when it will turn into an idea you can materialize!Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 18/10/2017 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments