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My Darkness

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that my previous post is separated more than a year from this one I'm writing. Things happened, of course. I reached the bottom point of wanting to hide from the world as much as possible. I made life plans in February not knowing that something was eating me from the inside since months ago. It hit me in March. Then, the darkness. Although the darkness had been present for a while. I hadn't recognized the signals, then it was too late.

I spent many nights not being able to sleep while watching YouTube videos that made me feel angry, and I felt miserable for not being able to stop myself from doing that. One night, the end of May, probably, YouTube suggested me something completely different than the videos I was watching until then.

A woman was creating a double spread of an altered book. Altered book? I knew about junk journals but this was completely new to me. Curiosity made me tap on the suggestion, and a new world opened its doors to me.

The video was mesmerizing. Tearing up pages, gluing pages, gluing scraps of paper, adding layers of paint... I didn't know where I was headed and then the final result showed up. Strange. Beautiful. It was a whimsy collage on top of a layered background.

I wanted to see more of that. I followed that woman's videos and binge watched many of them. I saw a walkthrough of a completed altered book and it was so beautiful. Whimsy collages after whimsy collages. I realized that I had stopped watching the videos that made me angry, and I was sleeping so much better.

I created a first altered book with an only goal. I told myself that it would be a practice book where I would try the techniques from the videos. Somewhere to learn. I don't remember how long it took me to complete. Two weeks?

The result was nice and also lacking. I don't know why, but I felt that the book didn't have a soul. Was it a theme what I was looking for? Then I had to think of a theme. And the first theme that came to my mind was, of course, my darkness. I wanted to look for images that could express what it means to be depressed, to descend into that darkness until there's no way back.

First I sketched some loose ideas. It was difficult, but I managed to write down ideas enough as to create an altered book. Then I got some interesting images that spoke to me, printed them, and decided which book I was going to butcher for the sake of expressing myself.

I apologized to the book for what I was going to do to it, marked the center of the signatures with little bookmarks and proceeded to tear up the central pages. Three weeks later, My Darkness was complete.

It begins showing a normal girl, somewhat cheerful, even. You could never tell that something is making her feel miserable. Then you turn the page and find the first hidden tag. The things that we don't say. The path that we follow. The state of our mind.

I wish I could say that I will post things more often from now on, but the truth is, I don't know. In any case... Have a great day :-)

Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 07/09/2019 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments

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