HabitsOnce you lose an habit, it's so difficult to bring it back. I had the habit of writing in these pages once a week or twice a month, at times more, and since the previous blog was sort of locked (available but outside of the reach of the searches), I lost the habit of writing on it. Nowadays I come here and I feel lost, not knowing what to write or why would I bother.
It's sad that whatever the reasons that person had to have me locked, they affected me. I tried to have the new website as fast as I could, but nothing but problems were delaying me. In the end, those problems were a weight that felt heavy even when I finally completed the new website and I was free to write on it.
I don't know what to write here anymore. No, my brain hasn't suddenly emptied of all ideas, stories, opinions. It's only that I'm still in "why bother" state. I barely check with people on social media and that only makes my writing even more superficial. If I want to write for myself, I can just put pen on paper and write on it. Indeed, that's what I'm doing since the end of September. Most of what happens in my head is now scribbled in several notebooks, notebooks that won't be read but by me. And I'm okay with that.
That is a new habit I developed while I felt that I no longer had things to say here, in public. I write almost daily in those notebooks. I write ideas for short stories, ideas that never see the light. I'm trying to learn French. But all of this stays in the dark, no one knows, it's like if it didn't exist.
This is not a good bye, though. It's just a "I need to find my way back". Because writing is important to me, and saying things in the open is also important. In the times of social media, I've curled into my shell. Protecting myself of something? Meanwhile I write things that no one will ever know, I stamp pages for myself only, another lonely hobby. I hide from an unknown, or perhaps known, enemy. It's the enemy that tells me "your words don't matter, you're not saying anything new, the world doesn't need yet another iteration on this topic". I've believed it and now I live in the shadows, wanting to go to the light but not daring, the light can be blinding.
The purpose of this post was simply to say out loud what is trying to get out for months. It's a voice that doesn't want to hide, I've never hidden. But now, everything has changed, I'm more introvert, reserved than ever and something inside me is screaming "enough of this!"
That scream lasts one second, that's one second when I can rise over my defenses, escape from the water that drowns me. In a word, during that second, I can breathe. And when I breathe, I can write again.
Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 21/03/2018 at 12:00:00 - 1 Comments