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My Darkness

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that my previous post is separated more than a year from this one I'm writing. Things happened, of course. I reached the bottom point of wanting to hide from the world as much as possible. I made life plans in February not knowing that something was eating me from the inside since months ago. It hit me in March. Then, the darkness. Although the darkness had been present for a while. I hadn't recognized the signals, then it was too late.

I spent many nights not being able to sleep while watching YouTube videos that made me feel angry, and I felt miserable for not being able to stop myself from doing that. One night, the end of May, probably, YouTube suggested me something completely different than the videos I was watching until then.

A woman was creating a double spread of an altered book. Altered book? I knew about junk journals but this was completely new to me. Curiosity made me tap on the suggestion, and a new world opened its doors to me.

The video was mesmerizing. Tearing up pages, gluing pages, gluing scraps of paper, adding layers of paint... I didn't know where I was headed and then the final result showed up. Strange. Beautiful. It was a whimsy collage on top of a layered background.

I wanted to see more of that. I followed that woman's videos and binge watched many of them. I saw a walkthrough of a completed altered book and it was so beautiful. Whimsy collages after whimsy collages. I realized that I had stopped watching the videos that made me angry, and I was sleeping so much better.

I created a first altered book with an only goal. I told myself that it would be a practice book where I would try the techniques from the videos. Somewhere to learn. I don't remember how long it took me to complete. Two weeks?

The result was nice and also lacking. I don't know why, but I felt that the book didn't have a soul. Was it a theme what I was looking for? Then I had to think of a theme. And the first theme that came to my mind was, of course, my darkness. I wanted to look for images that could express what it means to be depressed, to descend into that darkness until there's no way back.

First I sketched some loose ideas. It was difficult, but I managed to write down ideas enough as to create an altered book. Then I got some interesting images that spoke to me, printed them, and decided which book I was going to butcher for the sake of expressing myself.

I apologized to the book for what I was going to do to it, marked the center of the signatures with little bookmarks and proceeded to tear up the central pages. Three weeks later, My Darkness was complete.

It begins showing a normal girl, somewhat cheerful, even. You could never tell that something is making her feel miserable. Then you turn the page and find the first hidden tag. The things that we don't say. The path that we follow. The state of our mind.

I wish I could say that I will post things more often from now on, but the truth is, I don't know. In any case... Have a great day :-)

Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 07/09/2019 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments

Randomness (4): Drawing

After learning calligraphy and even brush lettering, I embarked into a more ambitious hobby(?): drawing. The need to draw has accompanied me since I'm a little one, but I had to set it aside, just as many other things.

Recently, I knew of a website called Udemy that offers courses in a model I find more convenient than the usual subscription model: pay for one course, access to it anytime. And what kind of courses did I sign up for? You know the answer if you've read the title of this post: drawing.

I won't kid myself: I'm an absolute beginner. My drawings are stiff and only now I'm learning about the sense of proportions. It's a long way but one I'm eager to follow since this is an old time debt with myself. Probably, the drawing I'm the most satisfied with is one I did of a shoe, and even that one can be critiqued, just like everything else.

In the meantime I'm dealing with tendinitis in both arms. It's being a long journey, all for political reasons. Politicians make cuts in the social security money, you need the social security and it takes months until you get a scan. As you wait, your arms worsen and you can do less. I don't blame my doctors because they're doing all they can with what little resources they have for the many people that need the services. I won't say what I think about voting those who steal from us and then cut in the basic services because this is a pacific outlet; I think that I've implied it clearly enough and I don't want to bring politics into my SL outlets.

So, back to drawing.

What's so important in it, for me?

I don't know. I know it's one of those things I've always wanted to do and that I did while I could, this is, before my parents stopped thinking "aw how cute" and started thinking "what a waste of time, you must focus in studying". I'm sure that many of us have similar stories so I won't bore you with mine.

I'm pretty excited with this journey and I'm also taking some sort of a vacation. You can see me in SL because customers can't be left unattended, but while my arms heal I don't do much except following courses and drawing. I notice the same doubts I have when I'm about to create a mesh object. "Will I be able to do this", "isn't this too advanced for me", "shouldn't I practice with something more basic", "what is more basic than this that I could practice with". I'm full of doubts and so, my sketch pads fill slowly. But they do fill. The problem is that I want to run before I can walk. I want to draw characters before I can draw a simple tank top. I'm a teacher, I should know that this is not how it works. But when you throw a wish to the mix, you lose all common sense and begin dreaming that you can skip stages. Flash news: You can't.

This year I may join Inktober, I don't know yet. Depends on the themes. I don't feel confident to draw any kind of item and much less to draw my own interpretation. So far I can only copy, and depending on what I copy, I may get the proportions right or not so right. I've tried a few drawings from my head, but I'm not there yet.

Inktober is in October and NaNoWriMo is in November. Will I be crazy enough as to join both? The answer is yes, if I manage to think of a list of topics for a non fiction book about maths. Once upon a time I started writing one of the topics, but it was savagely attacked by someone who caught me in a (really) weak moment. It wasn't even about my style or the accuracy in my claims; it was all about me being or not a person that should try with cultural outreach. Even though I'm not at my strongest, I know now that the answer is yes, I should try.

Don't wish me luck. Wish me inspiration :-)
Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 19/07/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments

Randomness (3): Programming

I like programming since I could put my hands on a computer, which thankfully was at a young age (I was eleven when I made my first program in BASIC). Programming has accompanied me since, and even been an important feature, so to speak, that I've wanted in people close to me.

I've been fortunate in that regard. The closest people in my life not only know what a variable is, but they can teach me one or one hundred lessons about programming.

This Saturday I was celebrating with a friend that she finished and delivered an important order. How did we celebrate it? She taught me the basics to code in Lua and LÖVE, two languages I knew nothing about. The way to teach that to me was to dive into the creation of a really, really simple game. It was a fun time and now I can't help thinking about all the improvements to this really simple game that we made in LÖVE.

I guess this shows how's my relationship with programming, why I can't stop doing it even though at times I've sworn to never do it again, and what I understand by celebrating.

Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 09/04/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments

Randomness (2): Calligraphy

If you belong to the journal community, even as a read only member such as myself, sooner or later you will stumble upon the beautiful brush lettering that invades everything. I confess I watch their videos in YouTube when I'm in bed, because they're relaxing and put me to sleep (the phone ends in the strangest places in bed, once it fell down but didn't break; don't try this at home).

While I love to see their journals and all the pretty things they draw and write, I confess that it surprises me that they show something as private as a journal for the whole world to see. It makes me wonder if they would make them so pretty if they weren't for public exhibit, and how honest they are with their journaling, quotes and thoughts. It's my guess that one can't write something too private if the journal is going to be exposed to the world. You don't have to go far to find people flipping their journals to show: Instagram and YouTube are full of them. If you don't believe me, just search for "bullet journal" and prepare to enter a new world.

If you've started a bullet journal, like me (almost two years now), it's impossible not to see any kind of brush lettering in your searches for information. Of course, as soon as I saw that brush lettering, I wanted to do it. My wanting has been on hold for a while, but recently YouTube suggested me a video specifically about calligraphy, and that's how one comes across Spencerian script (or videos of spiders fighting insects; anything is possible in YouTube). That's how one ends up devoting the last hour of her day to learning calligraphy.

So far I've learned how to hold the fountain pen (achievement unlocked!), the three basic motions, the seven principles, and now I'm able to draw the letters i and u. It feels like going back to pre-school. (Oh yes, I've said fountain pen instead of simply pen. I love me some writing with a fountain pen).

One thing that I would have not expected is that by holding the fountain pen correctly, it's actually easier to write in cursive than if you try to do it the way my instinct was telling me. It shows once again that your instinct might not be the wiser source of knowledge to follow, no matter what inspirational messages tell you.

Now I can't wait to be done with my day and spend that last hour with practice sheets, the fountain pen, the theory book, and my inner child learning again to write.

Because this is random, I'll go back to something I've said at the beginning. "It makes me wonder [...] how honest they are with their journaling, quotes and thoughts. It's my guess that one can't write something too private if the journal is going to be exposed to the world."

I could ask that to myself. How honest am I in these pages? Maybe they're completely honest, and they simply want to share. Because they like it, because they're happy, because a myriad of reasons I can't know for I'm not in their heads. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for another point of view when there's none. Maybe I shouldn't distrust so much of people's intentions. Maybe I should simply enjoy and stop with my wanting to find hidden intentions in all.
Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 23/03/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments

Randomness (1): Words

No matter what I said yesterday, one thing is for sure: my mind is pretty busy with far too many topics. Perhaps the problem is that she can't decide what to focus on, as this post will prove with only a small portion of all the randomness I can talk about.

I've sort of reconnected with my RL friends through Facebook. That was a strange situation. Six years before I did, I vanished without a word after some events. I thought I would never be back, I would never know again from them. The good thing of not rage-quitting is that you're always allowed to come back without anyone throwing to your face "but you said". I was certain that I wouldn't be back, and six years later I realized I was wrong. Six years had given me some time to heal from part of what happened. (I'm slow at healing. It sucks).

Thanks to that, I've been aware of the news concerning my country (I live under a rock) and I've realized the seriousness of the problem that people like antivaxxers are posing to the whole of our world. Diseases that were a bad dream of the past are now back, "thanks" to the work of uninformed fearful parents that have a whole view of life where nuances are not allowed. Things are good or bad; they can't be good and bad (this is, having pros and cons). I used to fight this kind of nonsense in the past but nowadays both I believe that I was wrong in my approach and I don't have the strength to keep up with the fight. I'm glad that others do and haven't burnt out.

I've also read some books as a consequence of reconnecting with these people, and connecting with new ones. They're interesting books but only available in Spanish (to my knowledge), so I can't recommend them. Bummer. And I've met the core of the bane of our existence: post modernism. Its postulates are flattering to the mind. Everything seems to be a (social) construct and you can redefine it if you don't like it. The educated (and cryptic) version of "if this doesn't change to my liking, I'll hold my breath until it does".

If I had no scruples, I would hire some post modernist to work for me for free. When they asked for retribution, I would tell them that being paid is a construct and their mind has the power to redefine it. But I have those scruples, so I just tell the joke. (If someone believes that I have advocated for slavery they need help to understand what a joke is. Thanks to the current feeling offended by everything I have to make unnecessary clarifications like this one).

Post modernism impregnates everything we touch. "That's your opinion". "It's a matter of opinion". It seems that even gravity is subject to opinions. Post modernism has kicked facts in the nuts (excuse my French), dragged them to the mud and then beaten them with expertise. When you read that science is sexist (instead of some scientists are sexist), you know that we've lost North.

Sexist, like bully, is one of those words that is being thrown so happily against those we don't like, that is under the same danger as the word bully. If everyone is a bully, then no one is a bully; if everyone is sexist, then no one is sexist. The words are losing their meaning, and without that meaning we just have empty shells used to our own interest, nothing more.

If you don't know why I've brought the word bully to this arena, just go read some comment sections on the Internet, and realize how the word is thrown to those that dare to criticize us. How dare they. Meanwhile, the actual bullies continue bullying. That's the problem with throwing darts so happily. The real enemy is laughing and walking away without consequences.

Read me carefully here: I am not saying that sexist people don't exist. Sexist people do exist, and so many of them treat us as second class citizens. I am not saying that bullies don't exist. They do exist and they make hell of the lives of their victims. I'm simply advocating for a careful use of the words we throw, or they risk losing their meaning. Without meaning, we're fighting ghosts.
Posted by: Auryn Beorn on 22/03/2018 at 12:00:00 - 0 Comments
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